Sunday, February 16, 2014

Football Symphony

Sitting on the couch tonight watching the Olympics, I had a little conversation with myself that went something like this...

Me: "Gah, my body hurts."
Body: "We played football Friday night."
Me: "No we didn't."
Body: "Yes we did. You got tackled. That's why it hurts all over."
Me: "We went to the symphony, there is no tackling at the symphony. It was a lot of walking for me, that's all. I had to go up three flights of stairs after walking two city blocks because we parked in the wrong lot."
Body: "So it was a football symphony? Cause you got tackled... hard."
Me: "There were zero tackles!"
Body: "Did you say lots of tackles? Cause it was lots."
Me: "None!"
Body: "Lots. That's why your back is all messed up."
Me: "So what, the woodwind section didn't like the color of my tie so one of them whacked me in the back with a flute?"
Body: "Don't be silly, it was an oboe. A flute wouldn't do that much damage. Oboes are heavier."
Me: "This is ridiculous. You're ridiculous."
Body: "Yeah well you're stuck with me. You shouldn't have done all that weightlifting."
Me: "Oh is that why my arms are sore? Because of all the musical bench presses in the middle of the concert hall?"
Body: "Yep."
Me: "Nope."
Body: "Yep."
Me: "Okay smart guy, then why does my neck hurt? I was just sitting there listening to music."
Body: "Because of all the punching."
Me: "So my neck hurts because I was getting punched in the back of the head during Tchaikovsky's violin concerto?"
Body: "Yeah. You should take better care of yourself. Letting people punch you repeatedly is bound to be a bad experience."
Me: "Thanks for the tip."
Body: "You are welcome. And here's another one: don't do so many one-armed pull ups."
Me: "My arms are sore from clapping. Seriously... clapping."
Body: "Why would you clap after getting tackled so hard you can barely walk? Who claps when that happens to them?"
Me: "It's YOUR fault I can barely walk today, you aren't doing your job!"
Body: "My job would be a lot easier if you didn't work part time as a Hollywood stuntman."
Me: *sigh*

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