Problems

About two years ago I was working as a well paid senior programmer and systems analyst at a mid-size banking services company.

After staring at a computer screen so much during the often 50-60 hour long work weeks, it appeared that my profession was finally taking it's toll on my eyesight. My eyes often hurt by mid afternoon, and my vision was becoming noticeably blurry. I went to the optometrist and he prescribed glasses for the first time in my life. Since I had always had 20/20 vision, this was new and strange to me, but I thought: "oh well, I guess I'm getting older or something."

Not to be outdone, the rest of my body began doing strange new things too. Horrible insomnia plagued my nights, coupled with seemingly random pain severe enough to render me completely unable to function at times. By the end of the year, I had used all my sick leave, and every scrap of my vacation time as sick days. I had just turned thirty and was starting to feel like I had somehow skipped a couple decades where my body was concerned.

Not surprisingly, the relationship with my employer became rather strained over time. I couldn't blame anyone for wondering what was wrong with me... I wasn't particularly happy about it either. Eventually, despite frequently being recognized for my actual work performance, I was invited to seek employment elsewhere.

Next I went to work for a cutting edge digital media firm. It was a very dynamic and fast-paced environment, with high profile clients, interesting projects, and charismatic senior developers who were often found jetting across the country for important design meetings or technology conferences. This was the type of job I could really sink my teeth into. I was very excited.

But I was having a hard time concentrating, and unusual difficulty remembering things. Names and facts that I normally should have been able to recall instantly, often took me 5-10 minutes to bring to mind. I couldn't type as fast as I used to, my hands were always aching and my overall output was just plain sub par. Something was not right. My coworkers seemed to like me just fine, and were impressed by my work, but contrary to my normal level of performance- I just wasn't keeping up with the pack. A month later I was laid off in a "reduction of force".

So now what? It seemed there was a trend developing which I was having a hard time getting a grip on, let alone knowing how to "fix" it. I had no idea what was happening to me, but clearly something was wrong. I felt stuck in an intensely frustrating state of limbo: unemployed and battling the fear that when I went back to work it would only be a matter of time before I was rejected again. Months passed by with plenty of doctor visits, a few job interviews, and no answers.

In my early twenties, I had an accident that left me with a lower back injury, causing a lot of pain and functional issues in my legs over the years, but what was happening now was different. I had already experienced over a decade of learning coping methods for my back problems, becoming extremely familiar with my hips, legs, and spine. So when new problems arise that I have not experienced before, they stand out to me quite clearly.

I have numbness, weakness, and pain in my arms and hands on a regular basis now- usually lasting several minutes, sometimes lasting hours, or even days. One evening I was standing in the kitchen having a conversation with my wife, and my fingers decided (on their own) to stop holding the drinking glass in my hand- sending it crashing to the floor. Then suddenly my hands and forearms were overcome with waves of painful muscle spasms. It felt like having a "charlie horse" in every muscle of your hands, all at once.

All this trouble with my body is really starting to scare me. I am finding myself in need of help with the most mundane tasks, because parts of my body are not working properly, or due to overwhelming pain. Admittedly, I am particularly bad at asking for help, especially when it involves something that I feel I should be able to do myself. Thank God for my wife, though- she is an amazing person. She has this super-human aptitude for taking care of others, she wants to be the person to render aid when she sees someone in need. So despite the difficulties in my journey thus far, I have definitely been blessed in many ways.

So anyway, here I am... taking one day at a time, having no idea what my life holds in store, needing answers... learning more about the significance of the "serenity prayer" than ever before.

The Great Secret...

The great secret to achieving serenity is the realization that we did not create the universe we live in.  The problems that are new to us today, existed before we knew about them- and we were "just fine" then.

So anyway, the only thing that has changed is now we are given a choice whether or not to let this information alter our state of mind.

Voting

  Even though it's two years old now, there is a video clip from CBS news I stumbled across, and can't resist writing about. It's a news interview in which actor Matt Damon speaks about the potential of Sarah Palin becoming president of the United States if she were to be sworn in as vice president:

  What is my favorite part of that whole clip? Mr. Damon's incredulity at the shockingly irresponsible decision making and apathy demonstrated by the American voting public. The fact that the ignorant (ie- to willfully ignore) nature of our society in such matters is the part that left him speechless, literally just shaking his head at one point. I don't like his point simply because of any political party lines or ideological differences-- I like it simply because rational, critical thinking in politics is such a rare thing these days.

  Seeing someone objectively call out important thoughts about our nation's leaders which we should all at least consider, is so refreshing I could barely remain seated in my chair. (I tend to pace back and forth when I get really excited about something.) The whole interview, I was just waiting for him to reach out and tap on the lens of the camera, and say: "Hello people, is this thing on? Are you listening?"

  Okay, so it's no revelation that as individuals and as a nation, we clearly stand to benefit from more educated, objective analysis in our decision making processes. This of course applies to every social and political level of our society. Yes, that means you and it means me too. It includes the millions of people of the good old state in which I live, whose political decision making process seems all too often to consist roughly of: "Well, I think that one guy said something about family values in one of their speeches, I guess he would make a good representative."

Some years ago I had a personal encounter with the phenomenon of people choosing to ignore significant problems come voting day. Warning: the following contains a substantial amount of sarcasm. If you are easily offended, proceed at your own risk.  ;-)

  It was 2004, and George W. Bush was up for re-election. By that time, the choice was a bit of a forgone conclusion for me since I was already unable to accept that a man who does not properly pronounce a noticeable portion of the English language, had been elected as the most powerful leader in the country. So after all the trouble Bush got us into during his first term, not to mention that I had a brother in the marines who was stationed in Iraq whom I wanted to see again someday-- I was ready for someone else to be president.

  I had also been engaging in the pesky habit of reading the news past the front page; this was a gateway to other nasty behaviors like critical thinking, asking hard questions, and fact-checking. Finally, I headed down the treacherous path of ...wait for it... developing an informed opinion, independent of social pressure or previous political bias. (Gasp!)

  Therefore, I voted for the other guy. I use the term "other guy" in tribute to the fact that every time I have found myself standing in a voting booth, I have not been particularly pleased as punch with the options laid out before me. The phrase "lesser of two evils" definitely comes to mind. So I definitely had some issues with Kerry, but we have an "election" based system which realistically only gives you two options to choose from at the end of the day. So I at least knew for certain that I did not want Bush executing any more of his "brilliant strategery" like lying about weapons of mass destruction, essentially telling the United Nations to bend to "our" will or go to hell, and last but not least: vaporizing our constitutional rights in the name of anti-terrorism, faster than you can say "I-guess-the-founding-fathers-gave-their-lives-to-write-and-ratify-that-document-and-the-ideas-it-represents-for-nothing". Looks like the joke is on you president Washington- you would understand how unnecessary your life's work was if you lived in a time when controlling the right oil fields can make you millions of dollars overnight because your family just happens to be in the oil business.

  So anyway... fast forward about a month, the 2004 presidential election is history. My wife and I are at a party with some friends, and conversation turns to the outcome of the election. So I listen politely as each person voiced their opinions on the most recent result of our hallowed democratic process. When it came my turn, I said: "well, I am pretty bummed that W got re-elected, I voted for Kerry..." I was literally unable to complete my sentence before being interrupted by audible gasps and exclamations of disbelief. Have you ever been stared at by a group of people as if you had just proclaimed your undying passion for punching babies? Back that off a hair, and those are the kind of looks I was getting.

  In all fairness, I can't help but see their point though- where do I get off using my brain all on my own without worrying about what other people are going to think? To have the audacity of not voting republican in a republican state, and surrounded primarily by members of a certain church whose membership is predominately republican to boot. Which by the way, is officially known as the "double-decker social suicide". I have not had any memorable political or religious conversations with any of those friends since that occasion. I suppose striking out with your friends over religion and politics in one fell blow is pretty much game over.

  But hey, so there are people who would have been happy with Dot Warner as the president of the United States of America (should father time come calling to Mr. McCain unexpectedly)... so what? They have every right to enjoy the pretty white "fairy dust" falling slowly from the sky at their next family barbecue- courtesy of the Commander in Chief who thought that pushing the big red button labeled: "cruise missile" meant she would be vacationing that summer on a big boat with all you can eat dinners.

  I heard the entertainment on those ships can be pretty cool, and I am a Michael Bublé fan after all. I'm not much of a shuffleboard guy though.  ;-)

The Distance Drug

In a world where it is impossible to be anywhere without touching something, we as people have a funny addiction to creating space around us, whether real or imagined. From the time we are small children we begin building our own private fortresses of perceived  protection. It's no shock really, the world is a harsh place. Coping skills (or the lack thereof) determine what our life experiences ultimately distill into, and distance seems to be a popular way to go about it. So what are the most common forms of using distance as a coping tool?

  Some of us build castles of passive protection- featuring a carefully crafted moat. This moat contains a magical substance which instantly turns into the favorite beverage of the beholder, yet remains nearly impossible to swim across.

  Some seek aggressive absence- insured by pompous parapets lined with rows of contentious cannons, ready to fire off a variety of heart-seeking munitions.

  Yet others manage to combine the two, forming a passive-aggressive labyrinth where only the bravest of adventurers dare navigate. The paths through such a daunting dichotomy are often lined with pleasant sights and sounds, but chances are: all the doors are locked. What is kept behind these doors is anyone's guess. The visitor who ventures past the initial niceties far enough to have the opportunity of knocking on one of the inner doors is pretty brave just for getting to that point. But knock long enough to illicit a response from within, and you may be met with anything from your favorite meal and a back rub, to a World Cup caliber kick in the shins.

  Additionally, something worth noting is the order of execution in which the passive and aggressive methods are combined. The most commonly observed is the passive trait being the default mode of operation, with the aggressive manifesting in various unexpected and intricate forms (often driven by the subconscious mind, despite the best efforts of the individual). Now on the other hand, seeing the aggressive behavior manifest primarily, and passive traits follow, throws an interesting spin on things.

  It would not be hard for those who know me personally to furnish examples of me exhibiting passive-aggressive behavior. (Yes... admittedly, I fall into this category.) However, I would point out that for me the process usually flows the other way around- starting out assertive, and ending up rather passive. For example: I have no problem speaking my mind, often to a fault. But if the encounter goes south, I often tend to avoid that person or situation thereafter as a means of avoiding "uncomfortable conflict" which has supplanted the healthy intellectual debate I prefer.

  All of us have come in contact with one or more of these forms of distance at one time or another, whether we knew it or not. One thing is for sure though- regardless of the method or the means, we humans have an obvious need to feel something that this "distance" creates ...or at least simulates.

So which flavor of the "distance drug" is your favorite?  ;)

Hello!

Welcome to my blog!
  Not that anyone is reading this yet- but I will start simply by saying "hello" in advance, to anyone who may happen to read the random musings that I place here. I hope to share some interesting thoughts from time to time, and look forward to discussing them with those who care to comment.

So anyway...