Don't Call It A Comeback

  I love music; I enjoy nearly all genres and time periods with very few exceptions. In fact, I was a music major for my first 2 years of college. Something else a lot of people don't know is that I owned a successful pro audio business for several years during my twenties where I enjoyed a steady flow of DJ gigs, a contract as the PA announcer for a professional arena football team, and even a year of basketball play-by-play commentator work on local television. So yeah, I love all things audio/music/multimedia.

  I appreciate those who are talented at what they do, even if most people don't respect their given method of expression. For example: rap. Say what you will about a white boy from Houston loving hip-hop music, but I do. I admit it's pretty funny, and you probably won't come up with any jokes I haven't made about myself already. My enjoyment of rap and hip-hop began during my teenage years as a basketball fanatic. Basketball culture and hip-hop culture are very much intertwined, so I quickly grew to enjoy the combination of a buzzer-beater and a good beat.

  There is an old-school rapper-turned-actor (and self proclaimed ladies' man) named James Smith, who went by the stage name "LL Cool J". Among the early hits by Mr. "Cool James" is the song Mama Said Knock You Out. What does this have to do with anything? For comedic purposes, humor me for a few seconds and read the first part of this song as a soundtrack to the moment I am about to describe. I promise I am going somewhere with this, and hopefully you will get a little chuckle out of it:

Don't call it a comeback!
I've been here for years,
Rockin my peers and puttin suckas in fear,
Makin the tears rain down like a MON-soon.
Listen to the bass go boom!

Explosion, overpowerin!
Over the competition, I'm towerin.
Wreckin shop,
When I drop these lyrics that'll make you call the cops.
Don't you dare stare, you betta move.
Don't ever compare
Me to the rest that'll all get sliced and diced.
Competition's payin the price!

[Chorus:]
I'm gonna knock you out (HUUUH!!!)
Mama said knock you out (HUUUH!!!)

  So anyway, when I woke up yesterday morning my neck, arms, and legs were filled with pain and weakness in a way I haven't experienced for quite a while. When I attempted to get up and my legs did not respond by supporting my weight properly, I was honestly a bit scared as I flopped back down onto the bed. It was then that I heard a villainous voice shout out from somewhere inside my body, challenging me to an epic battle of mind over matter: "Don't call it a comeback!! I've been here for YEARS." And right then, I knew it was going to be a rough week.

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  For the last nine months or so, I have been blessed with a period of relatively improved health compared to the previous year. Granted, it's not very hard to improve upon constantly being in and out of the hospital, but I am very grateful for the blessings of peace and relief whenever and wherever they come.

  This is mortal life and opposition is a law, a constant which cannot be avoided. And in the last few days, time has apparently caught up with me. Some of my physical difficulties have made a bit of a comeback and functionality has ground to a halt. As before, it remains important to embrace the opportunity to not let fear take control, to be patient, to face my dragons once again, and to keep seeking the kind of peace that goes beyond Earthly pain-- whether physical or emotional, because one tends to follow the other.

  It's important not to let our hope for relief depend on the wrong thing. If the only way we feel we are being blessed is when hardship subsides and stays gone, we are bound to have a long frustrating ride in this lifetime. My physical trials went into a recession of sorts this year-- but it turns out that was primarily to make room for the mental stress of my wife and I buying our first home. Buying a home is something we have always wanted and something we are tremendously happy about, but is a big project and frayed our nerves almost to the max on several occasions.

  Swapping one type of stress for another may seem like a cruel joke, but I assure you it's not. It is a blessing for which I cannot express enough gratitude because I don't know if I would have been able to handle both at once. God knows exactly which lessons we need to learn while we are here on Earth, and he knows exactly what it will take to put us in a position to accomplish those things. Long before we get to a given turning point in life, God knows what we need to be focused on in order to make the right decisions. But it is entirely up to us whether our hearts and minds are open and ready to receive that guidance. We must be watching, paying attention, ready to see the blessings around us for what they are.

  Life has still been challenging this year, I have not been pain free by any means-- lots of things still hurt and my daily adventures still require caution and conservative planning in order to avoid winding up back in the hospital. The fact that my trials never completely went away is no surprise though. After all, as the song says- "[they have] been here for years".

  Accepting my challenges does not mean I don't have hope of seeing better days-- I do. But I have faith that God will lead me to where I NEED to go. Here's a thought that goes against the grain of our natural instincts: exercising faith does not involve expecting an easy journey. I am here on Earth to learn, and that is what I expect to do... even if it hurts to do so.

  So it's one day at a time folks! We are put here to walk the path before us and we cannot trade lives with anyone else... and there is a very good reason for that. God does not hurt his children on purpose just to teach us. We are dropped into the circumstances of our mortality, and then as a loving parent our Heavenly Father is interested in helping us make the best of our situation, whatever it is.

  My wife's job is doing in-home therapy with autistic children. I have enjoyed soaking up the stories she comes home with each day about experiences which might not seem extraordinary to the casual observer, but offer many profound lessons to those interested in seeing beyond the obvious. The amazing people my wife works with have provided many priceless reminders of the commandment to be non-judgmental and compassionate toward others, and the need to practice humility and grace in my own life.

  Arguably the biggest discovery of the the 21st century thus far concerning autism (and disabilities in general) came organically from one of my personal heroes whom I have mentioned once before: a non-verbal autistic girl named Carly Fleischmann. Carly and her family blessed the world with the revelation that there is a thinking, feeling person trapped inside a vehicle they just can't control. So through my wife our whole family is emotionally and spiritually invested in the journey of learning about what these amazing people do day in and day out to heroically work through their circumstances... come what may.

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  So here we are, each of us on our own unique path. There are precious few things we can actually control, and today is the only time that exists. We are given one day at a time to live, one moment at a time to choose to make a difference in our sphere of influence. That is why in the long run steady incremental progress will always out-perform big blustery bursts of success.

  I've said it before, and I'll say it again because it bears repeating-- it's up to us to choose to let go of what we cannot control, and focus on what we can control: our own attitude. Easier said than done, but a key to happiness nonetheless. Learning to compartmentalize our attitude from our circumstances is the great secret to enduring peace.

  God does not expect us to lie and pretend that we like pain, or frustration, or sadness. Hardship is hardship, pain is pain, and no amount of "toughness" is magically going to change the fact that trials are not fun-- but we don't have to let it break our spirit. What God does ask of us is to CHOOSE to live life with an attitude of humility and unconditional love. We would all do well to keep in mind that every day of life is beautiful in it's own way, and there is always something to be grateful for.

Don't think so? Just ask Alice Sommer:



  Alice was subjected to many nightmarish things by her Nazi captors, but gamma radiation sufficient to grant Hulk-like super powers was not one of them. What does that mean for you and I? It means that she has done what she has done with her life as a regular mortal of flesh and blood ...just like us. We can therefore believe that we have the power deep within us to become the master of our own spirit.

  Are there physical and mental limitations which can impair (or completely subvert) a person's ability to choose what their mind and body are going to do for them? Absolutely. I personally know the feeling of facing overwhelming odds with one hand tied behind your back. Apart from the other challenges in my life which I have spoken of at times on this blog, I also live with a mood disorder. I have had to learn to live with the fact that a part of my brain is permanently broken, and despite my best efforts this is going to complicate my life whether I like it or not. I empathize with the torture of not having the degree of control over your experiences that you would like to have. I know the anguish of wiping too many tears from your eyes because your plate is full and you wind up having to pick yourself up over and over from what feels like total failure.

I know what it is like to wake up each day and just... want... to be... a better person.

  But life isn't about fitting a mold of what other people consider the benchmark of success. Life is about doing the best YOU can with what YOU have been given. We need to try to view ourselves as our Heavenly Father views us: precious children who are learning to pick ourselves back up after every fall and continue growing in our own special ways. We need to stop judging others based on our own subjective perspective, and stop judging ourselves based on someone else's view.

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  Why do I bother publicly sharing my thoughts and feelings about so many of the seemingly unremarkable steps in my journey? Why spend so much time speaking about the good days and the not-so-good days? Because suffering can isolate us, it can make us feel alone. Connecting with each other and supporting each other is an antidote to being suffocated by our trials.

  So here I am sitting in my chair, writing... to you! I am sitting because I can't do much else today, and I am writing because it is a great outlet to counteract the boredom which comes from having to sit here all day. It's an interesting cycle to say the least, and I am happy to seize the opportunity to squeeze some positive energy out of it. I am grateful for the blessing of a perspective which prompts me to recognize and act on the opportunity to find the silver lining of a frustrating situation.

  One way I cope is by laughing and smiling over the simple joys in life as often as I can. And guess what? I believe you can make it through whatever is challenging you today. We can do this whole mortal life thing! It is up to each of us to decide what kind of energy we are going to harbor inside ourselves, and the energy we pass on to those around us. I cannot stress enough how important that decision is.

  On some level we are all in the same boat, and life is a journey best shared and explored as one big human family. If you read my blog more than once, you may as well just get used to hearing me say that, because it is going to be a theme for as long as I am writing about life on Earth. Plus it feels really, really good to look the dragons in our lives right in the eye, and roar back with confidence:

Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years! Mama said knock YOU out!!  ;-)

A Rude Awakening

  If you know me personally or are not a new reader, you most likely know that I have a handful of health challenges which give me the opportunity to grow stronger on a daily basis. The combination of my uncooperative body, everyday life, and the needs of my family are locked in a constant battle with one another.

  It's a long story involving chronic pain and other similarly boring things, but the amount of sleep I've had for each of the past three days was as follows:

Wednesday night:  4 hours.
Thursday night:  3 hours.
Friday night:  1 hour.

  Yeah, you read that right. Yesterday I was running all day on 1 hour of sleep.


So anyway, last night I was finally able to go to sleep at a decent time and I got 8 consecutive hours of rest! YAY!!!

  And how did I feel when I woke up this morning? Well, I had a vivid dream where I was gruesomely killed by a large piece of heavy machinery, which I could not stop from crushing me no matter how hard I tried to move out of it's way. My death in the dream is what woke me up.

Message received...

...get more sleep, or I will perish.

Got it.  o_O

#EyeRoll  #MyCrazyLife

As of This Moment

  My watch says "3:00 am" as I lay here listening to the heavy rain fall on the roof of my home, and the thunder rattling my bedroom window every few minutes. Bored out of my mind, I decided to do some writing to give my thoughts somewhere to go, so here I am to send a semi-coherent shout-out to any of my friends with weather affected health issues. If your body detects changes in the atmosphere more reliably than a meteorologist, I hereby offer you a sympathy hi-five. Thanks to the thunderstorm that has been gushing nonstop all night here, every joint from the base of my skull to the tips of my fingers feels like it's being inflated like a balloon (lots of pressure and stiffness) so I have not been able to sleep at all. But as soon as the sun actually does come up, things will get even more unusual...

  All four of my children have soccer games this morning, ALL of them within a 2 hour time window. Each game takes place at a different location across town, and two of the kids have team pictures before their games. For medical reasons I am not able to drive currently so I can't help with the taxiing. Needless to say, all that makes for a pretty crazy morning, even on a good day.

  So anyway, this is one of those days where I already feel like I am going to disappoint someone... whether it's one of our kids, for not being there to coach them and cheer them on... or their beautiful mother, for not being able to do more to help stave off insanity. (I love you sweetie, you are awesome!) But ultimately I am disappointed with myself for letting myself feel like I will be disappointing someone today. ;-P

  So as of this moment, I have a new goal: make it to one of today's events. Even if the only event that I make it to is "today" itself. Gratitude is the power to see success from wherever we are. That means choosing to see the positive elements of the here and now, not just clinging to the idea of future success.

  Goals are important, it's important to have a vision to hold on to regardless of what is going on around us. But even if I don't make it to any of the official events of this "morning-O-craziness", the willingness to adjust and readjust expectations as life throws things at us can already be seen as a win, despite what we may have previously believed success is supposed to look like.

  Learning to be grateful for every little victory is its own victory. Making a habit of exercising the will to keep taking one day at a time (or sometimes one hour at a time) is worthy of celebration. We have more positive power and potential for good inside us than we realize. So no matter what happens today, I will take a deep breath of the fresh air that comes along with the rain, and do my best to remember that choosing to smile even when life is overwhelming already constitutes a perspective worth smiling about!  :-)

Change For The Better

  The quote below sums up what the journey has been like, particularly during last 2 years of my life. If you are going through something hard-- I pray you will print this out, put it on your wall, and absorb it every day until your heart begins to heal.

Judge Not

"Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again." -- Matthew 7:1-2

[click image to view full size]

Peace Is A Choice!

  So... it has been quite a while since my last post! To anyone who enjoys my writing, I am sorry for dropping off the radar the past couple months. I have taken on another writing project which has been occupying all the spare time my fingers have, I will tell you more about what it is in another post. I have a few drafts of new blog posts in the works, hopefully I will be able to polish a couple of them up and publish them soon.

  The reason I am making a quick post today is to share a thought that put a smile on my face, and I hope it might do the same for you. I follow a wonderful non-denominational Facebook group called Goodness Matters that is a daily source of uplifting posts. I saw a great quote on there today that I decided to make into a wallpaper. (Click on the picture to see the full size version.)

  When we make the conscious choice to have an attitude which prioritizes a sense of peace that is *not* tied to our circumstances-- it can grow in us and become the center of how we view life each day. Taking control of our own perspective is a seriously magical form of empowering ourselves. Keep in mind that I am not talking about something idealistic which pretends to like the hard things in life. Bad things happen to good people, we don't have to pretend that we aren't hurt by our trials, we don't have to like it when something is really awful.

  We can totally not like what we are going through, and still exercise our power of choice to put our general *attitude* in a separate compartment from our frustrations and pains. This gives us a way to simultaneously be sad about some things and grateful for others. I think it is fair to describe something as magical when it transforms the world around you from a place that controls your ability to feel serenity, into a place that still challenges you but is no longer in charge of your ability to feel gratitude for the things that you really are grateful for.

  Another great thing about a consistent commitment to carrying around our own internal supply of peace is that it provides even more joy when we share that comfort with others! It is a natural human reflex to want to share something we are really happy about. By sharing my joy in a way that helps someone else feel better, it reenforces my gratitude for the discovery of compartmentalized peace!

  For a long time I couldn't see that peace really is a choice. Let's be honest, when life is hard it's totally human and normal to get buried emotionally and get in a rut of thinking things just suck and that's that. A choice to separate our attitude from our circumstances may sound like something for people who are naturally gifted with strong faith or annoyingly positive attitudes. So what I am actually trying to explain here is that compartmentalizing our sense of peace is actually the most realistic way of having peace in this crazy world.

  If we are hoping and waiting for life to stop doing things which so rudely throw off our zen, we are naturally going to have a hard time ever feeling peace-- because life is always going to throw rocks in our path, that's just the way mortality is.

  For example: I have been battling some life-changing medical problems for the last 6 years and I just turned 36 a couple weeks ago, but if you were to look at my medical records, on paper you would probably guess my age to be double that. I have therefore given myself standing permission to do my best old man voice and shout at kids to get off my lawn whenever I feel like it for my own entertainment.

  Twenty-something me still had a lot more growing up to do than I would care to admit and I actually hope that when I reach my forties I feel the same way when I look back on my thirties, because that should be a pretty good indicator that I have continued learning and growing. That is not to say I expect to be eternally unsatisfied, just that I always want to be grateful for the ability to learn.

  Ever since being thrown into an existence of  being pretty much forced to take life one day at a time the last few years, I have finally begun absorbing the following epiphany: If I allowed my attitude to match my circumstances, NO ONE would ever want to be around me... ever. If you have been blessed to not have to endure chronic pain or live with someone who has I am sincerely happy for you; but let me tell you, there is something about constantly being in pain every single day for months or years that continuously keeps your irritation level higher than it should be and makes it overwhelmingly easy to be the grumpiest of grumpy pants.

  Trust me, I know this type of pep talk is super easy to be skeptical about-- I am very pragmatic by personality so a certain amount of skepticism is automatic for me until I can see a vision of how to begin solving a problem. The truth remains though that it only takes a moment to decide we are serious about trying something new, and it definitely also takes work and transition time to make a new perspective stick. But I am here to 100% promise you that it is so completely worthwhile that it will blow your mind when it finally clicks in the middle of a horrible day that you really are in control of your own perspective. All I can say is just commit to giving the goal whatever you can give each day, even if all you can do is resolve to try again tomorrow. Wake up tomorrow and try again and don't expect it to go perfect... give it time and just do your best to keep an open mind and heart to the little victories you will have while you are walking the new mental/emotional path you have chosen for yourself.

  So anyway, we are all in the same boat and I feel for you. Even if I don't know you and you don't know me-- I feel for you because we are both human and we both feel joy and pain for our own unique reasons. Everyone has their own story, their own dreams, and their own scars. I respect that your path is naturally unique and I haven't walked in your shoes. I do know however that just as we share human vulnerabilities, we all bleed when we are poked... we also all instinctively know how to smile, we all just want to be happy, and that means there are principles in this world that we can all apply to our respective lives and gain something from. And that is worth sharing with each other, even if at the moment all we can do is hope to have hope someday.

  Look inside yourself and accept that yes there are a great many things we cannot control, so why not focus on the things we CAN control... like choosing to have our own "gratitude party" inside, that the rest of the craziness in the world is not invited to. Sometimes the best thing in life is just sitting outside and letting the sunshine warm you... and sometimes the fact that you have your own internal body temperature saves your life.