Grief

This quote echoes what I believe.

    Part of how we know someone has succeeded at becoming meaningful in our lives, is if there is a hole left behind when they are gone.  In which case, it could be just as saddening if it didn't hurt to lose someone we were close to.  So ultimately, the grief associated with loss means our time with that person was special.

Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.”

- Marianne Williamson

One Year Later

    It has been exactly a year since my last published writing.  Time is such a strange construct, so arbitrary and not always as illuminating as one would think.  But time and it's effects are inevitable.  How time affects each one of us (both as individuals and as parts of a whole) is difficult to quantify or anticipate... and often defies explanation.

    Life can be cruel and unforgiving, or it can offer hope of mercy and new beginnings.  When life is full of pain, hanging on to hope for a future where sustainable trust in the phrase "I'm okay" is achievable, can become seemingly impossible.  We must keep functioning somehow though.  We must keep breathing and try to focus on taking one day at a time, so we don't live in a permanent state of anxiety and/or depression worrying about what comes next.

    But taking one day at a time is steadily becoming harder for me to do, not easier.  After so many of the evolutionary experiences in my lifetime up to now, this seems counter-intuitive to me because literally taking one day at a time is precisely how I have survived for the last year.

    I deeply desire to continue growing into a simpler existence, of living only in the now... mindful and at peace inside. I want to be good to myself, and good to other people.  But in my recent attempts to maintain a reasonably healthy distinction between acceptance and forfeiture, I am struggling to stay on a path to the former; particularly while life's presentation of the latter is overwhelming enough to blot out the sun.  Acceptance can be more complicated and difficult than we think.

How does one know when enough is enough?

At what point is concession simply reasonable?

    I have subtitled this blog project "contemplating the human condition", and for nearly eight years that is exactly what I have done both on the page, and off.  But I think that for the last year I have been steadily running out of energy to explore, and needing to rest, to be at peace and heal.  Even people like me who are passionate about exploring and growing, can reach a point where we simply need to rest.

When The Universe Sees Your Last Article And Accepts The Challenge

    Apparently the title I chose for my last post was a bit presumptuous because shortly thereafter, the universe decided to send me an opposing editorial.  I don't often feel like going into as much detail about boring everyday tedium as I am about to do, but the events of the past two weeks have packed so much crazy into such a short period of time, I just had to write a follow-up piece.

    Last Thursday evening I was hanging out with some friends and we had pizza.  I ate some of this pizza (it was good stuff) and then a couple hours later I started having a lot of abdominal pain, really uncomfortable like when you have eaten way too much, but I only had 2 pieces.  Once the pain hit, it started growing stronger and stronger by the minute; it eventually reached what I would call a 9 out of 10 and all I could do was try my best not to hyperventilate.

    My wife drove me to the hospital around 3:00 am.  By the time we got there, the pain was so strong that I burst into tears and it took them THREE I.V. doses of Dilaudid just to get the pain under control and bring it down to about a 7.  I overheard my nurse and CNA talking out in the hall about how that much pain killer is typically used for gunshot victims.  Yikes.  A subsequent ultrasound revealed gall stone blockages in my gall bladder which told us what was causing the pain.  I didn't know this before, but when the chemicals in your gall bladder get backed up and just sit there with nowhere to go, they actually start breaking down your gall bladder itself.  As it turns out, having one of your internal organs start digesting itself from the inside out, is unbelievably painful.  Like, sincerely-beg-someone-to-punch-you-hard-enough-to-knock-you-out, kind of painful.

    I stayed in the E.R. all night, and was rushed into surgery first thing in the morning to have my gall bladder removed.  An hour and a half later, I was missing one of my internal organs.  I know it is actually pretty common and happens to people every day, but it still sounds kinda crazy to me hearing myself say that.  It all happened so fast that to this moment I haven't fully processed the finality of the decision to go ahead with the surgery.  There wasn't really a choice though, it had to be done because the pain was utterly and completely unbearable.  That being said, being wheeled away from my wife's side and sedated was still an unexpected development.  There is always the little voice in the back of your mind that repeats all the potential risks they make you sign that disclaimer for.  I have definitely learned over the past 8 years that it is foolish to take anything for granted.

    I got to come home late Friday evening, to begin the path to being better.  I can't make it all the way to the porcelain throne without help, and the stairs in our house are completely out of the question.  Laughing is painful, and coughing/sneezing = death.  I'm gonna make it through this though, just like I always do.  I am so grateful for the love and support I have surrounding me, my wife and kids are so helpful and sweet.

    I've been totally wasted (in both the doped-up way, and the complete exhaustion way) all weekend, starting to feel a little more human by Sunday evening but still pretty trashed.  Still can't do the stairs on my own, but I can walk on a flat surface pretty decently.  Sleep Sunday night was very restless and Monday morning the feeling of recovery and any energy I had gained back, was gone.  I have a gut feeling (no pun intended) that something is wrong, but I am so tired I can't move.  I can REALLY feel the spot inside me where one of my internal organs was cut out- it is such a weird feeling!  I curl up in a ball in bed and try to sleep it off.

    Monday afternoon, my temperature starts rising and pain levels along with it.  I wind up with a fever of 102.5 while ON the acetaminophen that is in my pain meds.  Something worth noting is that Multiple Sclerosis + fever = OVERWHELMING nerve/muscle pain from head to toe.  One of the primary symptoms of MS is extreme temperature sensitivity, and raising the internal temperature of the body you live in definitely counts.  All hell begins to break loose inside my body as I seemingly revert to the state I was in BEFORE the surgery.  A couple hours of this and by Monday evening I called on 2 of my buddies to help drag me out to the car so my wife can drive me back to the hospital.

    The hospital ran a battery of tests because my fever had us all worried about the possibility of infection from the surgery.  Thankfully it turned out not to be surgical infection, but a Cat Scan and chest X-ray revealed that I have pneumonia.  PNEUMONIA?!?!

I told you the universe decided to teach me a lesson this week.

Silly, silly, silly me.

    I spend the night in the hospital again as my pain levels were really resisting control, but finally my nerves and muscles relented and I was stable enough to transport.  We returned home early Tuesday morning with antibiotics, still kind of shell-shocked.  Upon walking into our house, we discover that one of our pets is dead.  Seriously?  Our beautiful blue parakeet "Sky", who was so sweet and never bit anyone, was gone.  My wife and I looked at each other and just shook our heads.

I loved Sky.

    So anyway, pnemonia coughing fits + four different sets of stitches in your abdomen = OMG WHYYYYYYYY???  So I went to bed and hibernated for the next 12 hours, briefly waking up only to take my medications and go right back to sleep.  It's pretty chilly in the house... the furnace is acting flaky and not always turning on when it is supposed to.  Hmm.

    Tuesday morning I was still in hibernation/healing mode, sleeping all day.  "Maybe if I keep my eyes closed long enough, everything will go back to normal," I thought.  Tuesday evening I feel juuuust rested enough to get out of bed to find the wife and kids and give them all a hug.  Oh... and it's Valentine's day... *sigh*.  Then I found out that my sister had sent my wife and I a Valentine's Day care package with some of our favorite treats.  All things considered, it turned into a relatively happy Valentine's evening.  I soon realize that walking around the house has really taken a toll on me and I curl up in a ball again.

    Wednesday evening the bigger of our two dogs (a Rhodesian Ridgeback) jumps up on me, jamming her front paws precisely into two of my incision sites.  I scream like a little girl who has seen a ghost, and crumple to the floor.  This immediately sets me back a couple days in my progress toward being able to walk around confidently or go up and down the stairs on my own.  Thursday is pretty much the same as the second day home from surgery, I have lost a lot of progress.  I know our puppy was just excited to see me up and about, I can't stay mad at her... but the pain and frustration are real.

    On Thursday it gets really cold in our house overnight again.  Our furnace is clearly having serious issues now, and with the extreme temperature sensitivity which came with my MS, there is very little margin of error concerning what the temperature is in our house.  By Friday evening it is obvious we are going to need the furnace looked at. It's way too cold in our house.  Saturday we have someone look at the furnace, and... we are now buying a new furnace.

    So anyway... having degenerative discs in the neck & back by itself = nerve/muscle pain. Having IBS by itself = no energy. Having Hypothyroid by itself = no energy and memory problems. Having Multiple Sclerosis by itself = nerve/muscle pain AND no energy AND cog-fog/memory problems. Having insomnia by itself = no energy. Having a hiatal hernia by itself = pain & restless sleep. Having gall stone blockage by itself = unbelievable pain. Having surgery to remove one of your internal organs by itself = a different kind of pain. Having pneumonia by itself = no energy & generally being miserable. Having a mood disorder by itself = hard work fighting all of the ups and downs of life with one hand tied behind your back.

    Having EVERY single one of those things at the same time, WHILE recovering from surgery = OKAY UNIVERSE, I AM SORRY!  PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE NOW.  PLEASE.  PRETTY PLEASE!!!

That being said-- I will not give up.

I will fight another day, because the journey is it's own reward;

after a week THIS insane, it has to be.

When Physical Pain Becomes The Lesser Of Two Trials

I had a Multiple Sclerosis flare up yesterday, and then this happened (see picture) and it all made sense:

    Last night was "tabletop game night" with my friends.  I wanted to enjoy my in-person hangout time with some of my buddies last night; it is a really great outlet, providing much needed adult socialization.  But I had MS cognitive-fog to the point that I kept getting confused and sounded like someone who has never played that game before... even though my friends and I have been playing this particular game together for over a year now.

    Then there was an accident where my whole right arm got messed up and started having major problems, which is now keeping me up all night even on my prescription pain meds.  Nerve-pain is such a different type of beast to battle-- it does what it wants and generally doesn't care about the fancy modern medicines we are otherwise so blessed to have.

    Now it is the middle of the night and I am sitting here alone with my pain and in need of feeling like I can vent to a friend, even if nobody actually winds up hearing it.

    I have worked hard over the years to find inner peace concerning my challenges, but the struggle to sound even remotely coherent in front of people last night got past my treasured mental/emotional armor, and I wound up feeling thoroughly embarrassed.  Like... REALLY embarrassed.  The "curl up in a ball and don't even *try* to keep up with my friends anymore" kind of embarrassed.  I know I will snap out of it soon enough and get back to fighting the good fight, but that feeling super-sucked at the time.

    Furthermore, I am now rather frustrated that the embarrassment has gotten to me this much.  So far I can't shake the feeling of wanting to run and hide and not even go to game night anymore, so I won't have to feel like the dumbest guy in the room when this stuff happens.  And it WILL happen, it's just a matter of time.  [sigh]  But like I said- I love game night, I *need* game night.  So I know I will be excited to go the next time it comes around.  But I will probably still be trying not to show my fear of being embarrassed again.  I have no idea whether I will fool anybody, but I know I am going to try to whether I mean to or not-- it's simply in my nature to want to avoid feeling vulnerable or appear "weak" in front of people.  Lame, I know... but I have come to grips with that part of my personality and it is what it is.

    I worry sometimes that attempting to practice this level of authenticity can sound an awful lot like whining and self-pity, and maybe there is a certain amount of that in the mix. I am comfortable admitting my human nature.  After all, that is what this blog is all about: contemplating the human condition.  But for what it's worth, pointlessly indulging the urge to complain is not my intention.  My desire and goal is to process things in a healthy way and figure out how to live a more purposeful and enlightened life.

    I translate my experiences into personal improvement with varying degrees of success, but I am always going to try.  The journey is it's own reward, I believe that.  I feel it in my soul, and I love the peace that perspective can provide.  I draw strength from that perspective daily; especially when what is right in front of me staring me in the face and daring me to keep smiling and hoping, is too much, too painful, too overwhelming to just shrug off.  And as always- when we find our silver lining, there is the opportunity to share our experiences with each other because another person might relate to that struggle and wind up feeling less isolated.  And that matters because every human life matters.

So I think that is all I have to say for now, and I have run out of energy to continue typing all of this with just my left hand.  On the upside-- I have catharted™ sufficiently and might be tired enough now to go fall asleep.  Goodnight, and I wish you good luck with whatever you are facing in your life today.

#Authenticity  #WhenThePainJustWontStop  #MSwarrior

Looking Back At Moving Forward

  It is amazing how something that began with zero expectation of being anything more than an unremarkable personal outlet, can grow into something bigger-- something that hopefully might be meaningful to someone else too.  I started this blog almost six years ago and it's incredible how much has happened in my life and the world in general since then.  I never imagined anything like this would come of it, but here it is:

So Anyway just passed 22,222 views!!

Why celebrate now? The number two is my favorite number so this is a fun milestone for me!

  Looking back, I honestly don't know quite what to think about the long roller-coaster ride of getting to this point, and it surprises me to see how much my writing has changed since the beginning, but I am certainly glad I decided to take the step of getting outside of my head this way.  In fact, it is hard to imagine my life without having a good way to write something more than random comments on Facebook.

  I admit that even though my university English professors urged me to consider a major in journalism, I doubted whether something like this was really possible for me.  But here we are, and I am very grateful for the opportunity to share this journey with you.  I think we tend to shortchange ourselves when it comes to believing in our true potential (at least I know I do) and it's clear that we need to have more faith in what we can do when we really set our mind to accomplishing something.  We need to let ourselves hope, and then push ourselves to take steps toward those hopes.

  In 2013, I published thirteen articles here on So Anyway.  That's not a lot by most blogging standards, but for something I do as a personal hobby I felt like averaging one article every month was not too shabby.  Then I increased that output by following up in 2014 with twenty-one posts.  I was growing not only as a person, but as a writer... a necessary evolution in order to have a shot at publishing even a fraction of the thoughts I want to share.  Then the story takes an unexpected turn.

  Last year I posted just six times, and not all of them were substantial enough to be what I would count as "writing"; that's a 71% decrease.  Furthermore, I have not published a single article this year, until now.  My mother has made the observation in the past that she can tell when a given period of life is particularly challenging for me, because I will pretty much disappear from social media for a while.

Moms can be wise like that.

  It would be impossible for me to dive into the full story as to why I have been so stingy with clicking the "publish" button for the last year and a half.  But for now I can tell you that my journey has been keeping me unrelentingly busy expanding my "mind palace" as Sherlock Holmes would call it.  And moving forward, whenever I feel that place is ready for more company, you will still find invitations here to join me in contemplating the human condition.  :)

Leading The Charge

  It has been exactly six months since the last time I published an article here on my open book of thought.  I write more often than that, I think my head would explode if I didn't-- but for better or worse a great deal of what I write gets tucked away as a draft, saved for a day when I feel ready to share that particular piece of myself with the world.  My state of mind has been one of deep introspection lately (even more than usual) and I'm afraid my blog has reflected that.

  But once again, we are witnessing history in the making as the voice of justice has risen up in defense of the downtrodden-- and I do not want to miss the opportunity of lending my voice to spreading this message of courage, compassion, and hope for a brighter future.  U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch held a press conference earlier this week, announcing that "we are filing a federal civil rights lawsuit against the state of North Carolina, Governor Pat McCrory, the North Carolina Department of Public Safety and the University of North Carolina.  We are seeking a court order declaring House Bill 2’s restroom restriction impermissibly discriminatory, as well as a statewide bar on its enforcement."

I found this part of Attorney General Lynch's remarks particularly profound:

"Instead of turning away from our neighbors, our friends, our colleagues, let us instead learn from our history and avoid repeating the mistakes of our past.  Let us reflect on the obvious but often neglected lesson that state-sanctioned discrimination never looks good in hindsight.  It was not so very long ago that states, including North Carolina, had signs above restrooms, water fountains and on public accommodations keeping people out based upon a distinction without a difference.  We have moved beyond those dark days, but not without pain and suffering and an ongoing fight to keep moving forward.  Let us write a different story this time.  Let us not act out of fear and misunderstanding, but out of the values of inclusion, diversity and regard for all that make our country great."

  Lynch went on to offer the LGBT community a moment of encouragement, which brought many to tears.

"But no matter how isolated or scared you may feel today, the Department of Justice and the entire Obama Administration wants you to know that  we see you; we stand with you; and we will do everything we can to protect you going forward.  Please know that history is on your side.  This country was founded on a promise of equal rights for all, and we have always managed to move closer to that promise, little by little, one day at a time.  It may not be easy – but we’ll get there together."

Then Vanita Gupta, head of the Civil Rights Division at the Department of Justice, added this:

"Calling H.B.2 a 'bathroom bill' trivializes what this is really about. H.B.2 translates into discrimination in the real world. The complaint we filed today speaks to public employees who feel afraid and stigmatized on the job. It speaks to students who feel like their campus treats them differently because of who they are. It speaks to sports fans who feel forced to choose between their gender identity and their identity as a Tar Heel. And it speaks to all of us who have ever been made to feel inferior — like somehow we just don’t belong in our community, like somehow we just don’t fit in. Let me reassure every transgender individual, right here in America, that you belong just as you are. You are supported. And you are protected."

  I feel overwhelmed with joy and gratitude whenever I see people choose to stand apart from the fearful mob, and defend the ideals the founding fathers of this nation devoted their lives to enshrining in the charters of freedom.  When we see an entire group of innocent people being singled out for undeserved scrutiny and harassment, it is our duty and privilege to echo what the Declaration of Independence proclaimed to the world more than two centuries ago:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

  It takes strength of character to stand up in support of those who need it most, but make no mistake-- the bravest among us are those who, doing no harm to anyone else, are forced to live every day in constant fear of judgment and hostility... simply for being "different".

  So anyway, I genuinely hope that peace may be found by all who seek the blessings of enjoying "certain unalienable rights".  Like so many generations before us, we bear the responsibility to lead by example, to champion the cause of moving FORWARD in the course of human history.  There is a culture of contempt and contention shrouding our society, of that there is no doubt.  But there is also a light which I can see clearly through the fog of war: the light of kindness and integrity.  I humbly invite you to join me in pursuit of that vision!

Let's find each other out in front,
leading the charge
to secure liberty and justice
for all.

This Moment

"Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life."

As Thyself

  Having a hard time just being you today? It's okay, me too.

Really.

  There is a winter storm warning this weekend here in the Rocky Mountains where I live. But every joint in my body already figured that out during the night, long before I picked up my phone this morning to check the weather forecast. So I just finished smiling and waving as I watched my family walk out the door to go to our church Christmas party. And now I think I am one plate of red and green cookies away from throwing a totally legit (pity) party right here in my house.

Like I have said before, authenticity is the spice of life, so here comes a dash.

  I crave authenticity, I want that spice sprinkled all over everything I do... like grated cheese on an awesome plate of nachos. Okay now I am just making myself hungry. I can hear that carton of ice cream calling to me from the freezer: "Give in to the blues Chuck! All you need is a spoon and your journey to the dark side will be complete!"

  So anyway... have you ever been reading my stuff and had the thought: "This guy sure writes a lot about staying positive. I wonder if he is one of those annoyingly optimistic people you can't help but want to kick in the shins just so you can see how positively they respond to THAT..."

If so-- come in and sit down, we need to talk for a sec.

  I don't write about things like kindness and staying positive because I think I am incredibly good at being a perfect example of those things (though I do put sincere effort into them) or because my life is free from the significant struggles that make it genuinely hard for a person to have peace in their heart. I write about the things I write about because that is what my life requires from me, and consequently from my amazing wife and kids.

  I write about taking one day at a time and loving people because that is what makes the biggest difference in my world, and I want to share that ideology in the hope that it might help even one other person in some small way. Despite how inherently short-sighted my concept of another person's suffering may be, I believe that every single act of kindness matters because that is ONE MORE moment of compassion in a world that NEEDS all the love it can get.

  Go back in time ten years, and you would not see the same dauntless perspective I carry around with me now. The things I share with you are meaningful to me for many reasons... reasons which even my closest friends do not always get to see. My sweet wife makes it a point to mention that even with everything she knows about my daily life, she "can only imagine what it takes to be you every day." Gosh, I love her.

  Similarly, the things that mean a lot in your life are important to you because there is a story there! And If we ever meet in person, I am being 100% serious when I say that I would love to hear that story and talk with you about the craziness and beauty of mortal life.

  I have a tendency to talk a LOT once I decide to open up, but (believe it or not) I don't even come close to explaining every element of my thought process, or all the details of how I got there, let alone everything it takes to hang on to that perspective each day. (Mostly because nobody wants to read a 27 page long blog post.) But there is something I DO want to make sure to share about what goes on behind the scenes: Just because I win most of my battles these days, doesn't mean they aren't still battles. I still have to fight them. 

  There is a frustratingly ironic phenomenon that occurs when we have invested countless hours into becoming better at something: when someone is really good at what they do, they make it look easy. Everyone has their own personal set of challenges; some are visible and some are not... and those battles don't win themselves. Victory comes to those who stay in the habit of learning and continually work on finding new ways to apply that knowledge.

  But what happens on the days where we stumble and get scraped up? What about the times when we feel flawed and inherently "less than"? Moments like the one I am experiencing tonight as I sit here feeling embarrassed that I'm not at the party singing Christmas carols with my family. It's okay to be disappointed when life doesn't go the way we want it to. But I haven't come this far to let something like being physically incapacitated paralyze me emotionally. My respect for having a mindset of perseverance grows deeper every day.

  That being said, I am still considering staging an epic duel between my mouth and Obi-Spoon Kenobi. But let's watch this video first...

"For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part;
but then shall I know even as also I am known."  (1 Corinthians 13:12)

  So let's stop waiting for other people to tell us that we are good enough. There is nothing wrong with going through the process of honestly coping with what we feel; bottling things up is unhealthy. It's what we do next that makes the difference! We must learn to self-validate if that is not already a strength we possess. We must make a habit of being kind to the person in the mirror at least as much as we would be toward someone else.

"Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself."  (Matthew 22:39)

  Let's invest in the process of making those thoughts into a habit and watch for the ways that habit is influencing our personal lives. By learning to see ourselves more clearly as the infinitely valuable soul that we are, the warm glow of that light will naturally affect the way we treat others.

  So the pity party is over, everybody out! Go home and think about being nicer to yourself. Hey, don't forget your coat... somebody always winds up leaving a coat on my couch when I host these things. Oh and someone please take this dish of seven layer bean dip with you, or I will eat the whole thing and no good can come of that.

Full Immersion

Henri J.M. Nouwen wrote:

Compassion asks us to go where it hurts, to enter into the places of pain, to share brokenness, fear, confusion, and anguish.

Compassion challenges us to cry out with those in misery, to mourn with those who are lonely, to weep with those in tears. Compassion requires us to be weak with the weak, vulnerable with the vulnerable, and powerless with powerless.

Compassion means full immersion in the condition of being human.

The Genetics Of Music

  Back in 1999 I was studying music composition as a freshman in college. In the early 2000's, I learned of an ambitious new endeavor called The Music Genome Project. What exactly is a "music genome", you ask?

The Music Genome Project is an effort to "capture the essence of music at the most fundamental level" using over 450 attributes to describe songs and a complex mathematical algorithm to organize them.
[ Wikipedia: Music Genome Project ]

  I immediately fell in love with the idea and couldn't wait to see if they were really going to be able to pull it off. Little did I know that what was coming would revolutionize the way people interact with the music listening experience.

  Six years later, thanks to the work of Music Genome founders Tim Westergren and Will Glaser (and scores of professional musicologists) they launched an amazingly customizable music streaming service called Pandora, and introduced the world to the joy of being able to create and curate your own personal selection of digital radio stations. Pandora learns your taste in music as you give each song it plays a "thumbs up", a "thumbs down", or just let it slide with no input. After just a couple listening sessions, the software begins finding artists and songs it thinks you will like... with an unreal level of accuracy.

  Pandora does not use machine-listening or other forms of automated data extraction. The typical music analyst working on the Music Genome Project has a four-year degree in music theory, composition or performance, has passed through a selective screening process and has completed intensive training in the Music Genome's rigorous and precise methodology.

  While listening, users are offered the ability to buy the songs or albums at various online retailers. Over 400 different musical attributes are considered when selecting the next song to play. These 400 attributes are combined into larger groups called focus traits. There are 2,000 focus traits. Examples of these are rhythm syncopation, key tonality, vocal harmonies, and displayed instrumental proficiency.

  What do I think of Pandora now that I have been using it myself for so many years? I absolutely love it and can't imagine ever being without it.

  Wednesday, September 9th is Pandora's 10th birthday. Over the last decade Pandora has grown into a $3.6 billion company, as it's users have listened to over 74 billion hours of music tailored to even the most eclectic of personal tastes. So anyway- this month I, and more than 250 million other Pandora listeners across the United States, Australia, and New Zealand have occasion to celebrate the awesomeness of being able to discover new music we already like, that we simply haven't heard yet.

Anyone Can Make A Difference

True joy comes from learning to be a fearlessly positive influence on the world around you.

It's hard sometimes... so start with something simple, and take it one day at a time.

Practice integrity, be patient, let LOVE guide you,
and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Look for the good in yourself and in others.
And when you see it-- acknowledge it, celebrate it, support it.

Anyone can make a difference.



#DareToBeCompassionate

Priorities

Time is precious and fleeting.

Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better
To paint a picture or write a letter,
Bake a cake or plant a seed,
Ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there's not much time,
With rivers to swim and mountains to climb,
Music to hear and books to read,
Friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world's out there,
With the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair,
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain.
This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it's not kind.
And when you go - and go you must -
You, yourself, will make more dust.


"Dust If You Must", Emily Rose
The Lady, September, 1998

  Keep in mind however, that everyone has their own story-- there is no point judging or comparing, so don't. Having priorities which stretch us and move us in the direction of our dreams is NOT about pressuring ourselves (or those around us) to make our lives look exactly like something straight off of Pinterest. Whatever our individual circumstances may be, we are born to walk the unique path we are on.

  "Perspective" is defined as: "the capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance". We can only ever see from where we currently are, so putting our priorities in order naturally means making the best of the cards we have been dealt. Sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is redefine our concept of success. Look at your life and your circumstances, and give yourself credit for what it means to succeed in your world today.

STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS.

  Dream big, push yourself, be honest about what you can improve... but be authentically YOU, and don't treat your personal victories as any less than the beautiful triumphs that they are. Love yourself, be grateful for every day of life you are given, and love people more than things.

  So anyway, dust if you must- there is nothing wrong with having a clean house. I am very much a believer that a peaceful, pleasant living environment is less of a distraction and more a source of positive energy. Then do your best under your present circumstances to see life from a perspective which prioritizes the people and experiences you truly value the most.

Reflect and Be Present

  I am a "big picture" kind of person, sometimes to a fault. Ever since I was a child, I have had an unquenchable desire to gather information and connect the dots. Seeing life as a constant flow of endless possibilities is the perspective that my spirit naturally resonates to. But lately I have been striving to be more mindful of today, because in reality that is all we ever get.

ONLY... EVER... TODAY.

Happiness is not just over the next hill, it exists today if we choose to look for it.

• Choosing to have gratitude for the things which are easy to take for granted, plants a seed in my heart which can sprout, and uplifts everyone who sees it. Slowly but surely I will keep putting one foot in front of the other, and turn my seemingly little steps into something bigger.
   
• A commitment to willingly learn from my experiences is the trunk that I can lean on when the wind blows... especially if it hurts too much to move. My own attitude is one of the only things I can actually control in this world.
   
• Opening my heart to the new perspective that comes from my own unique growth process is how I can branch out and expand my soul. Rather than view life's events as good or bad, I choose to look for what is valuable, regardless of the situation. Branches tend to not be straight and perfect, but each one is an important part of the whole.
   
• Making a habit of compassionately sharing in all the joys and pains of life is what forms a beautiful canopy of leaves to provide shelter and comfort to all who cross my path. I will embrace every opportunity to share the pleasant shade of positive energy with everyone around me.
   
• And finally, humility reminds me that every tree must pass through all the seasons...
  
  -- I will throw myself energetically into the growth of spring in my life. It is one thing to simply accept life's lessons, it is another thing entirely to actively want to learn from life every chance I get.
  
  -- I will celebrate my time in the green glory of summer, being present in my life and doing the best I can with what I have. I will not wait for a happier tomorrow before I decide to live my life like it's the only one I've got. I will be kind, and treasure every human life as precious in the sight of God. No matter how busy and hectic life gets, I will seek an immortal peace... a peace that soothes my heart from within like a gentle summer breeze.
  
  -- As the beauty of autumn unfolds in my life, I will freely share whatever colors of wisdom I have been blessed with. I will be brave but kind, passionate and patient. I will not judge the journey of another soul, for in judgment I am denying my own need for mercy. With every breath I will be thankful for each day of life I am given.
  
  -- Life can be harsh like the unyielding chill of winter. I may feel exposed and afraid at times, I may feel isolated and fruitless... but I will remember that there is so much more to life than what can be seen on the surface. Like a tree standing against a blizzard, I will draw strength from my roots. I will continue learning to love myself as a priceless creation of God, and I will respect others for who they are and where they are at in their own journey. I will remember that it is okay to feel brittle and even broken sometimes, it's okay to cry and be honest when something hurts. But I will not shut down and be beaten, I will make the best of things where I am planted. I will look to the Lord for his power to comfort and heal. Spring may not always come how or when I expect it to, but it will come- even if only inside my soul.

I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and become stronger.
I will look for the value in whatever comes my way.
I will reflect and be present for each day of life that I am given.

Happy Holidays!

Today is the first Sunday in December. It's time for a dose of the Christmas spirit, and Handel's "Messiah" always makes me feel like making hot chocolate and decorating a pine tree.  :)

Here's wishing you and yours a safe and serene holiday season!

The Value Of A Smile

Never underestimate the value a smile.

  Being someone who thrives on communication as an outlet, this boy's situation really tugged at my heart. I cannot imagine being stuck inside your own head for every minute of every day of your entire life...

  There are so many people in the world who simply need to be cared for by those who can help. May we all think about others more often, make the choice to feel compassion, and then take action to help make someone's life better than it was when we came into it!

A Constant State Of Creation

  Read this slowly... each thought is great. I recommend absorbing each line with a deep breath, a pinch of catharsis, and a dash of consciously choosing to build inner peace.  ;-)

  Keep in mind I don't use the term "inner peace" flippantly or superficially, it is something precious and vital which I have a deep love and respect for, it is something that saves me time and time again. The reason I talk about enduring peace so much is because in my own journey I have personally reached points where nothing physical could make things right, nothing external could comfort me, nothing outside the spiritual plane was enough to quiet my fears.

  The world in general, the people we come in contact with, our circumstances, and even our own bodies... are all variables. To have the kind of comfort which sustains us through thick and thin it makes sense that we must anchor our spirits to something constant, something we can rely on no matter what the weather looks like outside.

If you have been searching for positive energy 

and are having a hard time finding it, here is

a thought I will share with you today:

Peace is not found, it is created.

  The concept of "enduring" peace is quite interesting because our current state of being only exists in the exact moment we are living in-- not yesterday, not tomorrow, not a week or a month from now "when the dust settles". The idea that peace can be found from any Earthly external source does not seem right to me-- because even when God gives us peace and comfort, he gives it to us individually on a very personal level which means it still resides inside us. Peace and comfort come to our hearts as a living flow of positive energy that is created in real-time as we continually make the conscious choice to embrace the principle described in the Serenity Prayer.

  I think the reason we might struggle with hanging onto a feeling of peace in our lives is simply because we get distracted and use our power of choice to entertain some other type of energy. And when we radiate a spirit of peace around us and share that positive energy with others, it won't stay with them unless they make room for it in their own hearts and choose for themselves to keep creating more peace inside themselves on an ongoing basis.

  We are constantly in a state of creation, our power to choose has a much greater impact than we realize. Every moment of our lives we are creating positive or negative energy. To whatever degree of power we possess to be able to choose for ourselves, it is our choice which one we are willing to channel at any given moment: love, comfort, and peace OR selfishness, judgment, and anger.

  So anyway, find the line in the graphic above that means the most to you right now, and choose to create positive energy in your own heart and mind by validating what you are experiencing in life.

  The one that struck a chord the most with me right now is "it is okay to say you've had enough". It is so easy for me to get caught in the trap of always feeling like I need to be tough, like the answer to my trials is to just put my head down and push until I get through it or until I can do "enough" for those around me.

  I think one of the wisest things we can do is stop pressuring ourselves, let ourselves feel, and then after self-validating, refocus on what we can do instead of all the things we wish we could do. It's okay to feel tired, it's okay to feel bruised, it's okay to admit we are bleeding when life has wounded us and it's not just a scratch. Then it's important to believe, to have hope, to find things to be grateful for, and remember to laugh and smile every chance we get. There is an important difference between validating our hurts, and dwelling on them.

  God does not expect us to lie and pretend we like the painful things in our lives, but he has made clear what he does expect of us:

"Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself."  (Matthew 22:36)

  We need to learn to love God in a way that teaches us how to view life with an eternal perspective. And with that broader perspective, we can learn to love ourselves the way He loves us. Then once we have learned what it feels like to self-validate our trials and love ourselves through our own ups and downs, we enable ourselves to practice a deeper, stronger level of compassion with others.

  There is a place for mortal strength, it is good to physically do the best we can in our daily lives. But true courage comes from our spiritual center, not the temporal body. The body without the spirit is nothing. Some people with the strongest spirits have some of the least functional bodies. I believe each of us can learn something by thinking about how that applies to us.

  Remember: all of us are constantly creating the flow of internal energy we call home, and we believe what we tell ourselves. Only when we pay attention to the state of our own soul can we truly make the world around us better place. By cultivating a positive spiritual space for our own spirit to dwell, we are building something beautiful that we can share with others.

You can do this.

Don't Call It A Comeback

  I love music; I enjoy nearly all genres and time periods with very few exceptions. In fact, I was a music major for my first 2 years of college. Something else a lot of people don't know is that I owned a successful pro audio business for several years during my twenties where I enjoyed a steady flow of DJ gigs, a contract as the PA announcer for a professional arena football team, and even a year of basketball play-by-play commentator work on local television. So yeah, I love all things audio/music/multimedia.

  I appreciate those who are talented at what they do, even if most people don't respect their given method of expression. For example: rap. Say what you will about a white boy from Houston loving hip-hop music, but I do. I admit it's pretty funny, and you probably won't come up with any jokes I haven't made about myself already. My enjoyment of rap and hip-hop began during my teenage years as a basketball fanatic. Basketball culture and hip-hop culture are very much intertwined, so I quickly grew to enjoy the combination of a buzzer-beater and a good beat.

  There is an old-school rapper-turned-actor (and self proclaimed ladies' man) named James Smith, who went by the stage name "LL Cool J". Among the early hits by Mr. "Cool James" is the song Mama Said Knock You Out. What does this have to do with anything? For comedic purposes, humor me for a few seconds and read the first part of this song as a soundtrack to the moment I am about to describe. I promise I am going somewhere with this, and hopefully you will get a little chuckle out of it:

Don't call it a comeback!
I've been here for years,
Rockin my peers and puttin suckas in fear,
Makin the tears rain down like a MON-soon.
Listen to the bass go boom!

Explosion, overpowerin!
Over the competition, I'm towerin.
Wreckin shop,
When I drop these lyrics that'll make you call the cops.
Don't you dare stare, you betta move.
Don't ever compare
Me to the rest that'll all get sliced and diced.
Competition's payin the price!

[Chorus:]
I'm gonna knock you out (HUUUH!!!)
Mama said knock you out (HUUUH!!!)

  So anyway, when I woke up yesterday morning my neck, arms, and legs were filled with pain and weakness in a way I haven't experienced for quite a while. When I attempted to get up and my legs did not respond by supporting my weight properly, I was honestly a bit scared as I flopped back down onto the bed. It was then that I heard a villainous voice shout out from somewhere inside my body, challenging me to an epic battle of mind over matter: "Don't call it a comeback!! I've been here for YEARS." And right then, I knew it was going to be a rough week.

------------

  For the last nine months or so, I have been blessed with a period of relatively improved health compared to the previous year. Granted, it's not very hard to improve upon constantly being in and out of the hospital, but I am very grateful for the blessings of peace and relief whenever and wherever they come.

  This is mortal life and opposition is a law, a constant which cannot be avoided. And in the last few days, time has apparently caught up with me. Some of my physical difficulties have made a bit of a comeback and functionality has ground to a halt. As before, it remains important to embrace the opportunity to not let fear take control, to be patient, to face my dragons once again, and to keep seeking the kind of peace that goes beyond Earthly pain-- whether physical or emotional, because one tends to follow the other.

  It's important not to let our hope for relief depend on the wrong thing. If the only way we feel we are being blessed is when hardship subsides and stays gone, we are bound to have a long frustrating ride in this lifetime. My physical trials went into a recession of sorts this year-- but it turns out that was primarily to make room for the mental stress of my wife and I buying our first home. Buying a home is something we have always wanted and something we are tremendously happy about, but is a big project and frayed our nerves almost to the max on several occasions.

  Swapping one type of stress for another may seem like a cruel joke, but I assure you it's not. It is a blessing for which I cannot express enough gratitude because I don't know if I would have been able to handle both at once. God knows exactly which lessons we need to learn while we are here on Earth, and he knows exactly what it will take to put us in a position to accomplish those things. Long before we get to a given turning point in life, God knows what we need to be focused on in order to make the right decisions. But it is entirely up to us whether our hearts and minds are open and ready to receive that guidance. We must be watching, paying attention, ready to see the blessings around us for what they are.

  Life has still been challenging this year, I have not been pain free by any means-- lots of things still hurt and my daily adventures still require caution and conservative planning in order to avoid winding up back in the hospital. The fact that my trials never completely went away is no surprise though. After all, as the song says- "[they have] been here for years".

  Accepting my challenges does not mean I don't have hope of seeing better days-- I do. But I have faith that God will lead me to where I NEED to go. Here's a thought that goes against the grain of our natural instincts: exercising faith does not involve expecting an easy journey. I am here on Earth to learn, and that is what I expect to do... even if it hurts to do so.

  So it's one day at a time folks! We are put here to walk the path before us and we cannot trade lives with anyone else... and there is a very good reason for that. God does not hurt his children on purpose just to teach us. We are dropped into the circumstances of our mortality, and then as a loving parent our Heavenly Father is interested in helping us make the best of our situation, whatever it is.

  My wife's job is doing in-home therapy with autistic children. I have enjoyed soaking up the stories she comes home with each day about experiences which might not seem extraordinary to the casual observer, but offer many profound lessons to those interested in seeing beyond the obvious. The amazing people my wife works with have provided many priceless reminders of the commandment to be non-judgmental and compassionate toward others, and the need to practice humility and grace in my own life.

  Arguably the biggest discovery of the the 21st century thus far concerning autism (and disabilities in general) came organically from one of my personal heroes whom I have mentioned once before: a non-verbal autistic girl named Carly Fleischmann. Carly and her family blessed the world with the revelation that there is a thinking, feeling person trapped inside a vehicle they just can't control. So through my wife our whole family is emotionally and spiritually invested in the journey of learning about what these amazing people do day in and day out to heroically work through their circumstances... come what may.

------------

  So here we are, each of us on our own unique path. There are precious few things we can actually control, and today is the only time that exists. We are given one day at a time to live, one moment at a time to choose to make a difference in our sphere of influence. That is why in the long run steady incremental progress will always out-perform big blustery bursts of success.

  I've said it before, and I'll say it again because it bears repeating-- it's up to us to choose to let go of what we cannot control, and focus on what we can control: our own attitude. Easier said than done, but a key to happiness nonetheless. Learning to compartmentalize our attitude from our circumstances is the great secret to enduring peace.

  God does not expect us to lie and pretend that we like pain, or frustration, or sadness. Hardship is hardship, pain is pain, and no amount of "toughness" is magically going to change the fact that trials are not fun-- but we don't have to let it break our spirit. What God does ask of us is to CHOOSE to live life with an attitude of humility and unconditional love. We would all do well to keep in mind that every day of life is beautiful in it's own way, and there is always something to be grateful for.

Don't think so? Just ask Alice Sommer:



  Alice was subjected to many nightmarish things by her Nazi captors, but gamma radiation sufficient to grant Hulk-like super powers was not one of them. What does that mean for you and I? It means that she has done what she has done with her life as a regular mortal of flesh and blood ...just like us. We can therefore believe that we have the power deep within us to become the master of our own spirit.

  Are there physical and mental limitations which can impair (or completely subvert) a person's ability to choose what their mind and body are going to do for them? Absolutely. I personally know the feeling of facing overwhelming odds with one hand tied behind your back. Apart from the other challenges in my life which I have spoken of at times on this blog, I also live with a mood disorder. I have had to learn to live with the fact that a part of my brain is permanently broken, and despite my best efforts this is going to complicate my life whether I like it or not. I empathize with the torture of not having the degree of control over your experiences that you would like to have. I know the anguish of wiping too many tears from your eyes because your plate is full and you wind up having to pick yourself up over and over from what feels like total failure.

I know what it is like to wake up each day and just... want... to be... a better person.

  But life isn't about fitting a mold of what other people consider the benchmark of success. Life is about doing the best YOU can with what YOU have been given. We need to try to view ourselves as our Heavenly Father views us: precious children who are learning to pick ourselves back up after every fall and continue growing in our own special ways. We need to stop judging others based on our own subjective perspective, and stop judging ourselves based on someone else's view.

------------

  Why do I bother publicly sharing my thoughts and feelings about so many of the seemingly unremarkable steps in my journey? Why spend so much time speaking about the good days and the not-so-good days? Because suffering can isolate us, it can make us feel alone. Connecting with each other and supporting each other is an antidote to being suffocated by our trials.

  So here I am sitting in my chair, writing... to you! I am sitting because I can't do much else today, and I am writing because it is a great outlet to counteract the boredom which comes from having to sit here all day. It's an interesting cycle to say the least, and I am happy to seize the opportunity to squeeze some positive energy out of it. I am grateful for the blessing of a perspective which prompts me to recognize and act on the opportunity to find the silver lining of a frustrating situation.

  One way I cope is by laughing and smiling over the simple joys in life as often as I can. And guess what? I believe you can make it through whatever is challenging you today. We can do this whole mortal life thing! It is up to each of us to decide what kind of energy we are going to harbor inside ourselves, and the energy we pass on to those around us. I cannot stress enough how important that decision is.

  On some level we are all in the same boat, and life is a journey best shared and explored as one big human family. If you read my blog more than once, you may as well just get used to hearing me say that, because it is going to be a theme for as long as I am writing about life on Earth. Plus it feels really, really good to look the dragons in our lives right in the eye, and roar back with confidence:

Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years! Mama said knock YOU out!!  ;-)

A Rude Awakening

  If you know me personally or are not a new reader, you most likely know that I have a handful of health challenges which give me the opportunity to grow stronger on a daily basis. The combination of my uncooperative body, everyday life, and the needs of my family are locked in a constant battle with one another.

  It's a long story involving chronic pain and other similarly boring things, but the amount of sleep I've had for each of the past three days was as follows:

Wednesday night:  4 hours.
Thursday night:  3 hours.
Friday night:  1 hour.

  Yeah, you read that right. Yesterday I was running all day on 1 hour of sleep.


So anyway, last night I was finally able to go to sleep at a decent time and I got 8 consecutive hours of rest! YAY!!!

  And how did I feel when I woke up this morning? Well, I had a vivid dream where I was gruesomely killed by a large piece of heavy machinery, which I could not stop from crushing me no matter how hard I tried to move out of it's way. My death in the dream is what woke me up.

Message received...

...get more sleep, or I will perish.

Got it.  o_O

#EyeRoll  #MyCrazyLife

As of This Moment

  My watch says "3:00 am" as I lay here listening to the heavy rain fall on the roof of my home, and the thunder rattling my bedroom window every few minutes. Bored out of my mind, I decided to do some writing to give my thoughts somewhere to go, so here I am to send a semi-coherent shout-out to any of my friends with weather affected health issues. If your body detects changes in the atmosphere more reliably than a meteorologist, I hereby offer you a sympathy hi-five. Thanks to the thunderstorm that has been gushing nonstop all night here, every joint from the base of my skull to the tips of my fingers feels like it's being inflated like a balloon (lots of pressure and stiffness) so I have not been able to sleep at all. But as soon as the sun actually does come up, things will get even more unusual...

  All four of my children have soccer games this morning, ALL of them within a 2 hour time window. Each game takes place at a different location across town, and two of the kids have team pictures before their games. For medical reasons I am not able to drive currently so I can't help with the taxiing. Needless to say, all that makes for a pretty crazy morning, even on a good day.

  So anyway, this is one of those days where I already feel like I am going to disappoint someone... whether it's one of our kids, for not being there to coach them and cheer them on... or their beautiful mother, for not being able to do more to help stave off insanity. (I love you sweetie, you are awesome!) But ultimately I am disappointed with myself for letting myself feel like I will be disappointing someone today. ;-P

  So as of this moment, I have a new goal: make it to one of today's events. Even if the only event that I make it to is "today" itself. Gratitude is the power to see success from wherever we are. That means choosing to see the positive elements of the here and now, not just clinging to the idea of future success.

  Goals are important, it's important to have a vision to hold on to regardless of what is going on around us. But even if I don't make it to any of the official events of this "morning-O-craziness", the willingness to adjust and readjust expectations as life throws things at us can already be seen as a win, despite what we may have previously believed success is supposed to look like.

  Learning to be grateful for every little victory is its own victory. Making a habit of exercising the will to keep taking one day at a time (or sometimes one hour at a time) is worthy of celebration. We have more positive power and potential for good inside us than we realize. So no matter what happens today, I will take a deep breath of the fresh air that comes along with the rain, and do my best to remember that choosing to smile even when life is overwhelming already constitutes a perspective worth smiling about!  :-)